The New Murrey and Blue blog

Oh, is there no end to the groanworthiness of TV documentaries? I found myself watching Blowing-up History, series 8, episode 5, about the Tower of London. (My hand is cupped to my shell-like ear, and yes, I can hear your soaring chorus of groans!) You’re right, yet again it was Richard wot dunnit to his nephews. Will no one rid me of all this bilge???

We’re shown the usual portrait of the little angels, and see them, small and vulnerable, mere dots ascending the Tower’s wide stone steps toward….certain doom!

Richard is the one with the motive for the awful crime, we’re told, while in the background we see the digging up of the wooden chest containing the two mysterious skeletons that are clearly those of Edward IV’s sons. Make no mistake, folks, the skeletons are definitely those of the 15^th-century’s two most famous and tragic children. Unfortunately, the two toe-tags with their names on have perished over the centuries. We zoom to a close-up of the wooden chest….and, strangely, the steps of the Tower are now—wait for it—constructed of wood! A miracle, because the boys had been shown toiling up a very stone staircase!

And we know the skeletons were found under a small internal stone staircase, do we not? Richard clearly waved his wand, whisked the scene from inside to outside, transformed solid Norman stone into wood, buried the chest, and then waved the wand again to turn the steps back into stone. Oh, but he forgot to whisk us back inside afterward.

These wooden steps are shown time and again, and the chest is dug out of grass-covered soil three metres below them. Wow, was that really what the sainted Sir Thomas More said? No inscriptions or clues to identify the skellies, but they have to be the boys, yes? Couldn’t be anyone else. All those centuries of other children living at the Tower, yet two specific boys are immediately named.

Well, “Alfred Hawkins is on a mission to find out” we’re told. He thinks the dimensions of the skeletons offer a clue to their identities. Um, they’re children, he states. Well, I never. Who’d have thought it? He admits that many children lived at the Tower with their families, but these “are the only two children who have such intrigue and mystery surrounding their deaths”. Once again, that’s absolutely 100% rock-solid evidence that they’re Richard III’s nephews. Mr Hawkins “thinks the discovery of the skeletons is a vital clue to one of the greatest unsolved murder mysteries in English history”. Oh dear, I wouldn’t like to have him as a judge at my trial!

Right, so who is this gentleman? He’s Assistant Curator of Historic Buildings and you can read about him here.

We’re shown Edward IV’s deathbed scene in Windsor Castle, where he’s attended by both sons… Um, wrong. The elder boy was in Ludlow and the younger wasn’t there either. But instead of the elder boy being crowned Edward V, it’s nasty, abominable, scheming, murderous Richard of Gloucester who snatches it from the little darling’s golden head. And according to Mr Hawkins, the slow disappearance of the boys, and the discovery of the skeletons is all the proof he needs to say the two “very young, very vulnerable children” were “probably murdered in a political game”. Only probably? Aw, don’t be coy, Mr Hawkins, go the whole….er, hog….and say they were murdered in a political game. Go further and say it was a game that could be played by only Richard III. I’m sure you’ll feel better.

The moment he makes the above claim, we cut again to the wooden staircase. But the narration admits the evidence of the skeletons is only circumstantial. The voice-over goes on that they’re buried in Westminster Abbey, and with them—I held my breath for a balancing mention of the animal bones—but no, “with them their mystery remains buried too”.

Over to Mr Hawkins. “Despite major attempts to identify these skeletal remains there has been no definitive proof [you can hear his teeth being drawn with a red-hot pliers!] that these are the bones of the two young princes, and so while we can speculate and guess at what happened in their disappearance, we’ll never know”. Ummm….that’s not what you’ve been hinting throughout, sir!

The programme continues with more information about the Tower’s history, all presented by Mr Hawkins. By then I’d ceased to watch, so I don’t know how much faith can be placed in what he says. And oh dear, go here and see that he seems to be a possible Tudorite! Say no more.

Oh, and I mustn’t forget the one glimpse we have of Richard the Monster. He’s standing with his back to us, a sinister figure with black hair, black cloak, black hose and footwear, gazing at the distant Tower. And lo! A crown suddenly appears on his wicked head. Right. I’m surprised they didn’t include a large red arrow with the word GUILTY written on it! The bias in this programme is incredible.

So I advise Ricardians NOT to watch Blowing-up History, Series 8, Episode 5! Well, unless you need to work yourself up into a fury, of course. In which case it’s ideal for the purpose.